“I found myself in a New Year celebration crying, alone in a crowd.”
Graham Parker from his song “Pourin’ It All Out”.

It’s not likely news to you, but much of our world is experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. Perhaps you feel this yourself in some ways? Technology has given us a myriad of possibilities for connection, yet in a consequential irony, people seem to be disconnected from each other like no other time in history. In recognition of the high social cost of loneliness, governments in the UK and Japan have appointed Ministers of Loneliness. But behind this word loneliness are millions of tragic stories: millions of people living lives of quiet desperation, living with the mental and physical health challenges that research tells us may be directly linked to feelings of loneliness.

Often, when we are mired in a sub-optimal mindset or state of BE-ing, it’s like the air we breath — we may not even notice it. It’s our normal. Loneliness can be like this — we feel something isn’t right, but we’re busy and constantly distracted, so we can’t quite put our finger on it.

If you don’t suffer loneliness, count yourself blessed. It is truly a terrible state of being. Humans are hard-wired for connection to other humans. I could site the research on the debilitating personal effects of loneliness, or the reasons our western culture engenders loneliness, but rather, let’s discuss some actionable proposals that will help us avoid that awful state of being lonely or, if we are lonely, lift ourselves up and create some positive connections.

If we decide our well-being would benefit from more or better personal connections, it may help us to visualize and emotionally experience the “new normal” we are aiming for. We might ask, how will I feel with new, exciting social connections in my life? What can I bring and what will they bring? In what exciting ways will my life change? By generating and genuinely emoting these feelings of positivity, it helps inspire us to action.

As always, the key is to think forward. Don’t beat yourself up over the past, whether it’s actions you’ve taken or actions you haven’t taken. Today is always a new day and an opportunity for a new mindset and a new beginning.

To not be lonely, we need connected human relationships. Preferably connected relationships that help us grow and become more fully human. The good news is that it’s not that difficult. The challenge is that it takes consistent effort and some psychological risk. But doesn’t progress in any area of life always involves effort and risk?

It’s axiomatic that to have friends, we need to be a friend. Being a good friend is multi-faceted but let’s explore the key skill at the heart and soul of all friendships: conversation.

This is so important I’m going to repeat it: at the heart of all relationships is conversation. Your skills as a conversationalist will directly impact the depth of your connection, not to mention the number and quality of your friendships. In his brilliant new book, How To Know A Person, David Brooks tackles this issue head on and gives us actionable ways to be masters of good conversation.

Let’s look at some ways to effectively generate deeper connections through conversation.

    1. Be present. Pay close attention to the person(s) you are conversing with. Make eye contact. Actively listen with confirming head nods, facial expressions or emotive sounds. This may sound obvious, but it’s a learned skill that requires self-awareness and vigilance.
    2. Be curious. Deepen the conversation with relevant questioning. Get people into story mode. Conversation is a flow of emotion — mirror back their feelings.
    3. Be an illuminator (as defined by Mr. Brooks). Notice and be enthusiastic about your conversation partner(s) and their lives. Say things that make them feel validated and special. Celebrate their achievements and be empathetic to their challenges. Avoid being what Mr. Brooks calls a topper, which is trying to outdo them or their stories.
    4. Listen intently but also share of yourself – open up with honesty and vulnerability. Being vulnerable is expressing your humanity. It’s hard to connect with someone whose life is perfect. Expressing vulnerability is a strong precursor to genuine, meaningful connection.

As children, our connections to others were established spontaneously and easily. As adults, we will benefit from being more deliberate and skillful. This is only a brief introduction to the linkage of connecting with others through conversation. I hope it will deepen your awareness around your conversation skills and inspire you to notice, study and improve those skills. It’s so important to achieve genuine and deep human connections.

Scientific research has proven time and again that people with stronger social circles tend to suffer less from mental health problems, experience less stress and consequently have better physical health and overall, lead happier, healthier lives.  Conversation is at the heart of social connection, so it benefits us greatly to become better at conversation.

I wish you progress in noticing and improving your conversation skills and the consequent benefits of true human love and connection you will experience.

With loving kindness,
Coach Billy