Friendships
In Part 1 of Social Intelligence, we talked about the debilitating impacts of loneliness and the importance of positive and heart-connecting conversations to create meaningful human relationships. But of course, the prequel to great conversations is actually having people in your life with whom to converse and connect. Count yourself blessed if you already have friends and connected relationships in your life. If you are feeling a lack of connection with others, let’s explore how you can change your situation for the better.

In her wonderful book Platonic, Marisa Franco Ph.D. convincingly points out how the quality of our friendships is one of the strongest determinants of our happiness. Ms. Franco makes a strong case that the love we can give and receive in our friendships can be at least equally impactful to the love we can get from family or in an intimate partnership. She urges us to elevate the importance of friendships in our life to make them a strong priority. Let’s talk about friendships — how to find them and how to nurture them.

The tough news about meeting people and making friends is that it will take some effort. As children and young adults, our friendships often just happened spontaneously. It was so easy. I wonder, do you still cling to that paradigm that friendships should just fall on our laps? If so, it’s time to erase that thought and create a new model. The new model is intention, initiative and effort. Our western culture has changed dramatically in a single generation, and many traditional sources of friendship, such as church, service clubs and community gatherings, have almost disappeared. Nevertheless, we still have agency, and we can assume responsibility for finding and enjoying the rewards of connected friendships.

Intention
People who live joyful, fulfilled lives are typically very intentional. Intention can be defined as something conscious and deliberate — done by design. Success in any endeavour usually benefits from a strong, clear and written intention.  As you embark on your journey of expanding connected friendships, create a written intention. Note what you can offer as a friend and what you desire in a friend. It’s vital to keep this intention front and center in your mind. Perhaps post it on your bathroom mirror. Constantly review it until you internalize it. This process makes it much more actionable when it counts.

Initiative
As Ms. Franco says, “One hello can be the difference between being lonely and finding your best friend.” Saying hello is an act of initiating. I realize this simple act can be intimidating for some people, usually due to a fear of rejection or the unfounded idea that people won’t like us. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill, and using Nike’s tag line, we must “just do it”. This is the very definition of agency –– the state of acting. Rest assured it will get much easier with practice. Ms. Franco gives us an important tip: assume you will be liked and get a positive response. She references research that whatever we assume, whether it’s being liked or being rejected, it tends to be a self-fulfilling prophesy. And the reality is that social rejection almost never occurs. If we are feeling awkward or judged, the source is usually our own thoughts, not the other person.

After that friendly hello, a good skill is to introduce yourself (offer your first name and ask for theirs) and then share an insight and/or ask a question. For example, “I liked that speaker, what did you think?”  Now you’ve set the stage for conversation. And as pointed out in Part 1 of Social Intelligence, conversation is what leads to connection.

So now you’ve had conversation(s) with someone. You’ve been curious and you also shared of yourself, perhaps even expressing some all-important vulnerability. You like them and it seems they like you. You are feeling chemistry, perhaps sensing a kindred spirit. What now?  If we want to grow this nascent relationship, someone is going to have to take the initiative to exchange contact information. Why not you? Your contact information could be on a QR code for quick exchange, or perhaps you keep your information photo ready.  With contact information in hand, now we can progress to an invitation for coffee, a walk, or another activity that will stimulate and grow the relationship.

Effort
Just as we need to acknowledge that making friends requires intention and initiative, we also need to accept that friendships require continuous nurturing. This is a true challenge for all of us in our profoundly distracted culture. Nevertheless, we can and must pay continuous attention to our friendships if we want to experience the benefits of love and joy that friendship brings into our life.

I’m a big fan of using my schedule and time blocking for checking in with my friends. It’s a simple matter of setting appointments in your calendar to call or text with friends. These appointments can be 10 minutes or an entire evening. Remind yourself that the payoff (for both of you) of connecting with friends is going to far exceed the payoff of what’s currently trending on Netflix. With my close friends, I want to be in tune with them and share their lives – their activities, their challenges and their victories. And I want to share mine. Knowing their activities and plans keeps us close. Mutual support brings fulfilment. Sharing our joys and victories is validating and exhilarating.

Surely the pandemic hammered home to us the vital importance of friendships. Science has proven beyond doubt how loving connection improves all aspects of our heath — mental, emotional and even physiological. And as Ms. Franco points out, the beauty of friendships is that we are free to choose based on pure compatibility.

What changes will you make today to elevate the importance of friendships in your life?

With loving kindness,
Coach Billy